Why do I believe in God? Because I lived the fact that Jesus left the 99 behind to come find me.
My testimony, my walk, my relationship with the true Living God starts at complex, scary, sad, and goes on to be joyful, victorious, and beautiful.
He is real regardless if I believe it. Regardless if you believe it. He reveals Himself to you when you seek Him with all your heart.
The Holy Bible is just that: HOLY. And it is truly Living. You will never know what that holds until you live IN IT. That means, study, memorization, meditating, reciting, singing, living in His Words.
I had an alcoholic father who abused my mother for many years. Some of my earliest memories are terror-filled and full of pure despair. I was the little girl in the corner crying and shaking with fear as my dad choked my mother.
This lasted 10 years until my father went on a drinking binge and left us. It was also the same day I found an ax under our living room couch and my mother’s soft words, “I think he was going to chop me to pieces with this.” I shudder to think of what could have happened. My mother, along with me and my brother made the decision to not let him back.
I was smoking cigarettes regularly starting at 8 years old and my best friend at the time was having sex with 20 something year old men. I was engaging in sexual activities/being molested at the same time, which was a daily thing and happened so frequently, it was common and accepted even, for YEARS. It was by God‘s own protection that I remained a virgin until I was 17.
Jesus taught me how narrow the road truly is and how it gets narrower and narrower every day. Through His Word, He showed me how destitute my life was, how evil the people were that encompassed me about all my life. I can only imagine the spiritual warfare that was taking place throughout the years. I’ve had many spankings/chastening, the growth has been extremely painful, the changes have been profound and ALL OF IT is to His Glory. I feel humbled and exalted all at the same time that He has shed light into some very dark places for me! I feel privileged that He has given me the sight to see so many things and has shown me how blind I was! He cared that much for me!
Shortly after the separation of my parents, my dad rededicated his life to Jesus. He was instrumental in my decision for Christ, along with my grandma (his mother) who led me to the Lord. She explained me the horror of hell and how many nights she would have nightmares of me and my brother crying out from hell. It greatly brought her sorrow and knew we couldn’t go another night not knowing the Lord Jesus. At 11 years old, I gave my life to God and I was spiritually reborn. I was saved, and I will never forget the change I felt in myself that night.
However it didn’t mean I acted like it. As an infant Christian, and not seeing my grandmother or father on a daily basis, I had no guidance or direction. I knew I had been saved, but the horrors continued for me at the house I frequently visited which eventually lead me to be outside of God’s will for many, many years. In my later teen years, all I ever participated in was drinking, partying, smoking, doing drugs, sexual sin, and it was all I knew. I was so lost and caught in some very dark demonic days. When I met my husband at 17, we committed many sins together and apart from each other.
When I graduated high school, my grandma gave me a book on the Rapture. This was new to me and exciting. To think that Jesus would come for me, and take me away from all the pain I had experienced in life. It consumed me. So, right before my husband and I were married I had a very intense dream about the Rapture. As much as I looked forward to it, I woke up flailing and crying profusely because I dreamed that I missed it. The world was in chaos, I had squandered my life, and my dream was pure hell.
Long story short, it changed me. God changed me. I became a “religious fanatic” to those who knew me. I wanted desperately to make things right with God, but I didn’t heed God’s voice. I did it the way I THOUGHT God wanted me to do it. So I married a man outside of God’s will.
My husband wasn’t a drinker like my father was so it was all right, right? Wrong. I only knew that I didn’t want to marry an alcoholic like MY father was. Didn’t make it right unfortunately.
My husband is a sad product of emotional, physical and sexual abuse from childhood. The effects of all that spilled over into our marriage. By “making things right” by getting married, I STILL didn’t live according to God’s Will. I was STILL drinking and smoking and even had an adulterous affair!
My husband did the same!
And I was still lost. He was lost. We were both “baby-fied” Christians in heavy denial, no fruit, little growth, if any.
When our 4th baby was born, I could no longer afford work outside the home. I came home to be with my kids, which I firmly believe was orchestrated by my Heavenly Father, but what REALLY happened was I came home to JESUS.
With no outside influence like work (which was really a den of anti-christ people), unGodly friends, and the noise of life, GOD brought me home to Him. Through His Word, He showed me what the meaning of TRUE conversion, what a CHANGED heart REALLY means.
I learned first hand what NOT being conformed to this world is all about, and how I needed to be transformed by the renewing of my mind (Romans 12:2).
I know I am saved because my mind is different, my thought processes, and my desires are different. The Holy Spirit does not let me do the things I once did. When I fall in the ditch, the Lord is THERE, He pulls me back on the path, He convicts me. He loves me so much that I can feel it. He leads the way into all grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, which didn‘t happen all at once, it‘s been a walk, a daily experience.
Over time, my needs became not of this world; to pray for others, to be a testimony/witness for Christ, to be around the brethren, to be in prayer/assistance for the persecuted which breaks my heart, and there is a need to be separate from the world in every way, and my longing for His return is constant. But more than all this, my greatest need is to be…
…conformed to the image of Jesus Christ. (–Romans 8:29)
I am changed. That is where the joy comes in.
I am different. That is where the victory comes in.
Jesus is MINE. I am His and He is MINE. And this is where the beauty comes in.
I am not who I was. I never will be again. And I don’t want to be. I will NEVER fall away no matter what it costs me. All things are considered TRASH that I may win the Excellency of the knowledge of Jesus Christ as the Apostle Paul states.
And devastatingly so, it was my sin that put Him on the cross. Now, I must live for Him because He lived for ME.
He will come for me because He is not slack concerning His promises. How do I know? Because…
He left the 99 behind to come find me. He was faithful to me at 11 years old. He did not forget me.
How Great Is Our God.
…now I live to share with others how my life has changed through Christ. That in Him, we really can be a New Creature with a New Heart ❤